Through the Holidays

Wow, I can't believe I haven't written anything since September. Aside from the standard excuses...school's back in session, we got a dog (major excuse!), busy at work, blah, blah, blah,
the bottom line is that I just haven't felt like doing much of anything creative. I feel like my mind is paralyzed in the routine and the need to focus on immediate tasks. I just can't find any quiet time to reflect.

OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

The holidays were a bitch, to put it bluntly. Although they seemed calmer than usual, it was difficult celebrating the first one without my mom. She was always so into Christmas, and it just wasn't the same without her. Dad had a rough time, too. His birthday was in October, and I was surprised that it upset him to have a birthday without mom, though I don't know why I should be surprised. Thanksgiving and Christmas, yes, but it never connected that a birthday would drudge up the same feelings of void.

Right after Thanksgiving, I was trying to figure out how to make Dad's life less depressing over the Christmas season. To help him feel connected, I went to his old house (where he lived with my mom) and got all the Christmas decorations that I could find, which fit in a medium sized bin. Where's all their "stuff"? Mom and Dad were not into all the trappings of holidays, which is not surprising, as it fits the way they lived life.

Anyway, Dad and Judy had a great time decorating the house. They went thrifting and to Best Buy and came home with lots of cute and kitchy Christmas items...miniature figurines, trees and houses (not all to scale), which they put on a white blanket of cotton; a 3 foot high funky Christmas tree for the front porch that looks like it's out of How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the newer one); and, lots of ornaments. They went to the Christmas Tree farm and bought a nice (real!) tree, which turned out to be a major task for them to put up. Once it was finally secured, they decorated it with ornaments, lights, and LOTS of tinsel. Dad thought it was beautiful, and it was.

Actually, Dad made it through the holidays better than I expected. I think it kept him busy. He continued with his obsessiveness, sitting for hours on end revising and adding to his rolodex collection (it's his way of remembering things...a need for control). Judy took him out to buy gifts for everyone, which he enjoyed. He's so different than he was with Mom. He does so many more things...like gifting, eating tacos, chicken wings and pizza, playing Bingo...sometimes I wonder if it's the Alzheimer's and the influence of the caregiver, or if he just followed Mom's lead. She was kind of controlling, too. I don't know how they made it through 63 years of marriage!

Carol, Todd and Stephanie came over on Christmas Eve and we celebrated at Dad's house with lunch (lasagna) and opening gifts. It was really nice, except that I found out that Dad hated the hat I gave him and threw it away! Judy retrieved it from the trash, and he threw it away again and never made it out of the garbage. Well! Apparently, he's done that with several gifts, and I can't figure it out! Why doesn't he give them to Goodwill or something? I remember one time Mom said he kept throwing out her favorite pair of shoes, her huraches (sandals from Mexico). She'd get them out of the trash, and he'd throw them away again! Gotta watch that guy!

The new year was uneventful for Dad, but I think it was harder to get through the passing of the year without Mom. I was very down. It seemed like I was leaving her behind. Now it's just 3 months until the anniversary of her death. Dad was so depressed and cried all the time. He's so lonely. He wants a new wife, but I just don't see it happening.

More to say, but I'll write another entry later. This one's long enough~